The Ramblings of a Tortured Mother/Grandmother

One day I'm rolling along fine and in complete acceptance for the way things are in my life when, suddenly, a deep and powerless sadness takes hold and I forget everything that is good.

Nothing remarkable happens before the sadness comes upon me, it just arrives. I find myself filled with a deep longing to know my son and to be a part of his life - that feeling is always there but doesn't constantly run my life - and despair sets in. For a long time I simply felt guilty and worthless - as if his rejection of me, his calling me a despicable person made me less than scum - but eventually I came to understand that his actions, thoughts and feelings are coming from things inside of him and have nothing to do with me as a human. The day came when I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in order to free myself to live again. That doesn't mean that there aren't regrets, or that I don't wish it were possible to do it all over again, but that I am an imperfect human being who has made, does make, mistakes and who gets to learn from them. I don't get to spend the rest of my life beating myself up and punishing me because, if I were to do that, there would be no way to be the person the universe meant for me to be. Punishing myself is like playing God and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live my life as free of judgment and remorse as is possible and, instead, live in forgiveness and in each moment of the day.

But then there are those days when the feelings of longing and powerlessness overwhelm me and I don't know where to put them. I feel sad and lonely and my arms ache to wrap around him and my grandchildren. Those old familiar feelings of wanting to be a part of a real family come back to the surface and I indulge in a little self-pity about why it is that some people get that while others don't. I get caught up in how can a person want something so badly but only get small little tidbits over the course of 50 plus years. I wasn't one of the lucky ones who grew up with a loving family and so I sought that out in men with seemingly good relationships with their parents, thinking that they would embrace me and love me also. But, when the mothers didn't like me, it was all just more rejection and feelings of worthlessness. And so I ran and ran, and tried to cover up hurt feelings with the tough exterior. I had no problem solving skills when it came to relationships, only the ability to escape and so that is what I did.

Out of my grief and loneliness during the more than 20 years that I've lived alone, I've discovered passions, which have made it possible to keep me moving forward but never the self-worth to follow them through. Always, I thought that if someone just loved me, then it would be okay. But I couldn't love myself. I've let fear and insecurity beat me every time. I've perpetuated the low self-esteem issues by making bad decisions, almost on purpose and as a way to punish myself, and have watched things get worse and worse. I've ignored my problems, instead of dealing with each one when it arose, and thus have made situations impossible to repair. Too much time passed and too little said. At the time, letting go and standing back, seemed like the right thing to do. I didn't trust myself to not create more hurt and damage and so I withdrew, which caused more hurt and damage. I lacked the skills and never has there been anyone to guide me through. Even today there is no best friend that I can call, chit chat with and ask their advice. I don't even know what girl talk about men looks like. I can't even tell when a man is flirting with me. I was 43 before knowing that you are supposed to cut the cuticles out of your nails. No one told me and I didn't know to ask. Pretty sad for an otherwise intelligent person - too ignorant to ask or to go find out. Too stubborn to seek help. I didn't know what I didn't know.

In the intervening years I've had a lot of physical trauma to match the emotional crap and have continued to lose more and more. I seek to resurface, to rekindle my passion for life, but there are days when my soul is just too tired and I wonder why keep trying if the things that my heart desires are never going to come. I'm tired. My heart aches. I'm lonely. I let other people's opinion of me, or their withdrawal, or refusal to acknowledge me, run my days. It is easy for someone to push my buttons with their silent disapproval - even if, in reality, I know that it is their lack of approval for them. I struggle and want something better.

I want to wrap my arms around my son and his children. I want my heart to sing and I want to quit failing. I want to not care if someone doesn't like my picture or what I say. I want to be true to me and to walk with confidence. Today it is a bit hard but what I do know is that tomorrow, or soon, it won't be so bad and I will breathe and smile again.