Tears from Heaven

At my desk, in front of the big picture window, I watched my tears fall from the Heavens and soak the dozens of small birds that filled the trees and ate at my feeders.




Small flecks of movement, tiny Pygmy Nuthatches, darting on the trunks and branches while starlings and grosbeak pecked and flapped their wings at each other and fought for the day's portion of seeds.


Grey skies and a grey heart. I denied myself what isn't mine to have and the warm feeling of sadness soaked into my soul. The loneliness threatened to overpower my self-esteem and the threads of maturity that are weaving their way into my character.


I can't always have what I want, even if it is handed to me, because it isn't always right. Will saying no bring something better my way? Who knows, it doesn't really matter...I have my respect, and so yes, it is already better.


As the sky began to clear, so did I. Sadness relieved by a sense of empowerment. The loneliness, it persists, but the days are filled with passion this new found love that I've found for myself.


The sun is out now and the sky is blue. The pain always leads to sunshine.

Where I've been and where I'm going

Wow! After an intense six months I'm breathing in some relief. It took a few minutes to ratchet down and to get some sleep before realizing that I've just completed a course at one college and a full load at another college. After more than ten years away from school and everything that my mind and body went through during that time, this feels like an accomplishment.


So much has happened - so much bridge under the water - and so much to learn from. Guess some of us are tougher to crack than others are and that I needed some pretty hard lessons to get here, and so that is okay. Though it wasn't at the time. It just seemed like I never had a chance, almost from birth, to be happy and that was the way it was supposed to be. Now I know that wasn't true and that it wasn't circumstances that held me back but fear, being stubborn and defeating myself. It was up to me to find the path and to stay on it, whether that was towards happiness, being a better person, being a better photographer or whatever. I'm the one who took myself off the road and put my future on the sidelines.


With a better understanding and the ability to accept responsibility came a whole new perspective on life. Happiness, freedom and fun that I never knew existed. Not that everything is rosy but that the good stuff far out ways the negative. We are supposed to laugh, cry and love - those are not weakness, they are assets. I don't know who I'll be doing those things with, or if I'll be doing it alone, it only matters that I do them on a daily basis.


When I'm feeling drawn back into the negative, I scratch and claw to bring myself back out into the light. Sometimes the clawing is slow and sometimes it is quick. I much prefer the smile... Too bad, though, that we never reach that level of perfection where we always do everything correctly. Too bad we slip back into old ways and habits...but that too is part of being human.




And so, I'm learning about how to be a better human. I'm learning about myself and the world around me. Truthfully, I don't know the end, only that the journey is ahead and that I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

North Idaho

Some recent photos and thoughts of my continuing North Idaho experience.

Green eyed cat in the neighborhood

A bird sitting in a dogwood tree, in the neighborhood along the dog walking route.

A small waterfall down the lake aways, up the stream from Beauty Bay.

Fishing mishap on Fernan Lake, a mile down the road from the neighborhood.

Further away, at the opposite end of the lake, a male Osprey enjoys his catch while his woman squawks at two female photographers who got too close to the nest.

Even though I was born in Spokane, WA, I've always considered North Idaho my home because it is in the heart of everything that is enjoyable in nature.  We spent summers on Lake Coeur d'Alene and winters skiing on Schweitzer mountain, when we were children.  I met my husbands in Idaho - my children were born here...and part of my heart belongs to the town of yesterday when it was small and quaint.  When Coeur d'Alene was itself, before people tried to make it into some plastic tourist town that it doesn't fit into.  I could go on about that but it wouldn't do any good.

North Idaho and I have our differences in politics and lifestyle.  I very much believe in the fair and equal treatment of all humans.  Somehow I escaped the historically prejudiced nature of the area.  Idaho is a red state and I am blue.  I believe that the information that is passed on through the news is one sided and too few people get, or seek out, the whole story.  I am not a hunter, a sports fan or a four-wheeler.  However, I do love the outdoors and believe in being gentle with nature and the environment.

Despite our differences, I love North Idaho for its beauty and for the heart of many of its residents.  No where else that I've been do people simply go outside when the lights of Spring come on.  We grow up with an appreciation for the out-of-doors.  It is a fairly simple lifestyle, no heavy traffic, the shopping is basic, the town small and there are large spaces of wilderness.

Imagine being able to walk your dog in a quiet neighborhood where people nod, wave and say hi.  Hopping on the bicycle and taking a spin on a well-groomed, paved cycling path that will take you several miles in many directions.  Walking to the beach to take a swim or to read in the sunshine.  Driving only seven miles to photograph eagles in the winter.  A short drive to Washington and a slightly longer drive to Montana...and not that far from Canada!  Mountains, meadows, lakes, rivers, streams, farmland, forest - there is room to spread your wings and fly. 

I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say, exactly.  Except that, my first year back in Idaho, after a 25 year absence, was a tough one.  It brought me back to the place where I made my worst mistakes and decisions and once here I made more bad decisions.  I needed to grow up and home was where I needed to be in order to accomplish that.  Through that year, my eyes slowly re-opened to the beauty and the easy lifestyle but I found it nearly impossible to photograph.  When there is darkness in one's soul, it is difficult to see the light.  

Now, while I'd still like to travel to different places to take photographs, I can't imagine my life anywhere else.  And, as for my immediate surroundings, the light has become clearer with the shedding of the darkness from my life.  Around every corner is something interesting and/or beautiful to shoot with my Nikon cameras.  And everyday is an exploration into that which makes my heart soar with happiness and enables me to be a part of society.

It is strange how returning to the place that I feared the most, has been the exact location where the wounds were finally able to begin their healing.  I am at home in my heart and in my location.