Tears from Heaven

At my desk, in front of the big picture window, I watched my tears fall from the Heavens and soak the dozens of small birds that filled the trees and ate at my feeders.




Small flecks of movement, tiny Pygmy Nuthatches, darting on the trunks and branches while starlings and grosbeak pecked and flapped their wings at each other and fought for the day's portion of seeds.


Grey skies and a grey heart. I denied myself what isn't mine to have and the warm feeling of sadness soaked into my soul. The loneliness threatened to overpower my self-esteem and the threads of maturity that are weaving their way into my character.


I can't always have what I want, even if it is handed to me, because it isn't always right. Will saying no bring something better my way? Who knows, it doesn't really matter...I have my respect, and so yes, it is already better.


As the sky began to clear, so did I. Sadness relieved by a sense of empowerment. The loneliness, it persists, but the days are filled with passion this new found love that I've found for myself.


The sun is out now and the sky is blue. The pain always leads to sunshine.

Where I've been and where I'm going

Wow! After an intense six months I'm breathing in some relief. It took a few minutes to ratchet down and to get some sleep before realizing that I've just completed a course at one college and a full load at another college. After more than ten years away from school and everything that my mind and body went through during that time, this feels like an accomplishment.


So much has happened - so much bridge under the water - and so much to learn from. Guess some of us are tougher to crack than others are and that I needed some pretty hard lessons to get here, and so that is okay. Though it wasn't at the time. It just seemed like I never had a chance, almost from birth, to be happy and that was the way it was supposed to be. Now I know that wasn't true and that it wasn't circumstances that held me back but fear, being stubborn and defeating myself. It was up to me to find the path and to stay on it, whether that was towards happiness, being a better person, being a better photographer or whatever. I'm the one who took myself off the road and put my future on the sidelines.


With a better understanding and the ability to accept responsibility came a whole new perspective on life. Happiness, freedom and fun that I never knew existed. Not that everything is rosy but that the good stuff far out ways the negative. We are supposed to laugh, cry and love - those are not weakness, they are assets. I don't know who I'll be doing those things with, or if I'll be doing it alone, it only matters that I do them on a daily basis.


When I'm feeling drawn back into the negative, I scratch and claw to bring myself back out into the light. Sometimes the clawing is slow and sometimes it is quick. I much prefer the smile... Too bad, though, that we never reach that level of perfection where we always do everything correctly. Too bad we slip back into old ways and habits...but that too is part of being human.




And so, I'm learning about how to be a better human. I'm learning about myself and the world around me. Truthfully, I don't know the end, only that the journey is ahead and that I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

North Idaho

Some recent photos and thoughts of my continuing North Idaho experience.

Green eyed cat in the neighborhood

A bird sitting in a dogwood tree, in the neighborhood along the dog walking route.

A small waterfall down the lake aways, up the stream from Beauty Bay.

Fishing mishap on Fernan Lake, a mile down the road from the neighborhood.

Further away, at the opposite end of the lake, a male Osprey enjoys his catch while his woman squawks at two female photographers who got too close to the nest.

Even though I was born in Spokane, WA, I've always considered North Idaho my home because it is in the heart of everything that is enjoyable in nature.  We spent summers on Lake Coeur d'Alene and winters skiing on Schweitzer mountain, when we were children.  I met my husbands in Idaho - my children were born here...and part of my heart belongs to the town of yesterday when it was small and quaint.  When Coeur d'Alene was itself, before people tried to make it into some plastic tourist town that it doesn't fit into.  I could go on about that but it wouldn't do any good.

North Idaho and I have our differences in politics and lifestyle.  I very much believe in the fair and equal treatment of all humans.  Somehow I escaped the historically prejudiced nature of the area.  Idaho is a red state and I am blue.  I believe that the information that is passed on through the news is one sided and too few people get, or seek out, the whole story.  I am not a hunter, a sports fan or a four-wheeler.  However, I do love the outdoors and believe in being gentle with nature and the environment.

Despite our differences, I love North Idaho for its beauty and for the heart of many of its residents.  No where else that I've been do people simply go outside when the lights of Spring come on.  We grow up with an appreciation for the out-of-doors.  It is a fairly simple lifestyle, no heavy traffic, the shopping is basic, the town small and there are large spaces of wilderness.

Imagine being able to walk your dog in a quiet neighborhood where people nod, wave and say hi.  Hopping on the bicycle and taking a spin on a well-groomed, paved cycling path that will take you several miles in many directions.  Walking to the beach to take a swim or to read in the sunshine.  Driving only seven miles to photograph eagles in the winter.  A short drive to Washington and a slightly longer drive to Montana...and not that far from Canada!  Mountains, meadows, lakes, rivers, streams, farmland, forest - there is room to spread your wings and fly. 

I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say, exactly.  Except that, my first year back in Idaho, after a 25 year absence, was a tough one.  It brought me back to the place where I made my worst mistakes and decisions and once here I made more bad decisions.  I needed to grow up and home was where I needed to be in order to accomplish that.  Through that year, my eyes slowly re-opened to the beauty and the easy lifestyle but I found it nearly impossible to photograph.  When there is darkness in one's soul, it is difficult to see the light.  

Now, while I'd still like to travel to different places to take photographs, I can't imagine my life anywhere else.  And, as for my immediate surroundings, the light has become clearer with the shedding of the darkness from my life.  Around every corner is something interesting and/or beautiful to shoot with my Nikon cameras.  And everyday is an exploration into that which makes my heart soar with happiness and enables me to be a part of society.

It is strange how returning to the place that I feared the most, has been the exact location where the wounds were finally able to begin their healing.  I am at home in my heart and in my location.

Life is Good!

Probably never thought you'd hear this eternally sad and pessimistic person say that! Last year was awful and the fallout will continue for a long time, maybe a lifetime, but I am not the same person who stepped into 2009, thinking that life was a fairy tale. It was a fantasy, just not the positive kind that either of those descriptions conote.

Last year was devastating but it was the best teacher I've ever had. Out of the hard times came more blessings than I could have ever dreamed of. From much experience of hard times, I knew that something good would come out of it all and was able to keep some small thread of that faith during most of the time. Actually, the entire time, for if I had completely given it up, I would have destroyed myself. I would've given up. Thankfully I kept walking forward, even if they were in little baby steps. And, thankfully there were at least a couple of people who were willing to support me through it all because I couldn't have done it without them.

So, enough of last year, not that it won't be referred to again or that there aren't lingering hard feelings towards a few, but I'm different. Out of adversity grew a much stronger, more grateful and happier person. No longer am I so fearful that it is impossible to look past myself and the way that I treat other people. I am learning, though not perfectly, to care less about what they think of me, or how they treat me, but at how I treat them. In other words I am more focused on my behavior and not that of other people. I said more, because there is no perfection, only striving to live in grace, love, forgiveness and dignity.

Most importantly, the pity party is over and most of the defensiveness is gone. I am so grateful for the blessings in my life that it is difficult to even articulate the feelings. So much good going on and so I strive to be worthy of it all. And, it is so much easier to own my mess-ups and to be willing to do better the next time. I am human and humans make mistakes. Evolved, honest, caring and loving people own those mistakes and don't try to make excuses for them. It is getting easier to forgive myself.

I know that I'm old and should have known these things at a much younger age, but that isn't the way things went for me. Such is history. It is past and all there is is today. I celebrate today. There are concerns, troubles and issues going on in my life, as in anybody's, but I don't have to look hard to see someone who has it worse than myself and that makes me grateful. And it feels good to care about them. But when people ask, and really want to know, how my life is going these days, there is no hesitation when I tell them it is really good. I'm happy - a bit scared of failing, but mostly delighted to be living and learning. It is great to have some place to be at a certain time and to have my mind stimulated into action. My brain had been asleep for a long time and I thought that the deadening of my mind was age but it was lack of use. Yes, I am happy.

The Ramblings of a Tortured Mother/Grandmother

One day I'm rolling along fine and in complete acceptance for the way things are in my life when, suddenly, a deep and powerless sadness takes hold and I forget everything that is good.

Nothing remarkable happens before the sadness comes upon me, it just arrives. I find myself filled with a deep longing to know my son and to be a part of his life - that feeling is always there but doesn't constantly run my life - and despair sets in. For a long time I simply felt guilty and worthless - as if his rejection of me, his calling me a despicable person made me less than scum - but eventually I came to understand that his actions, thoughts and feelings are coming from things inside of him and have nothing to do with me as a human. The day came when I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in order to free myself to live again. That doesn't mean that there aren't regrets, or that I don't wish it were possible to do it all over again, but that I am an imperfect human being who has made, does make, mistakes and who gets to learn from them. I don't get to spend the rest of my life beating myself up and punishing me because, if I were to do that, there would be no way to be the person the universe meant for me to be. Punishing myself is like playing God and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to live my life as free of judgment and remorse as is possible and, instead, live in forgiveness and in each moment of the day.

But then there are those days when the feelings of longing and powerlessness overwhelm me and I don't know where to put them. I feel sad and lonely and my arms ache to wrap around him and my grandchildren. Those old familiar feelings of wanting to be a part of a real family come back to the surface and I indulge in a little self-pity about why it is that some people get that while others don't. I get caught up in how can a person want something so badly but only get small little tidbits over the course of 50 plus years. I wasn't one of the lucky ones who grew up with a loving family and so I sought that out in men with seemingly good relationships with their parents, thinking that they would embrace me and love me also. But, when the mothers didn't like me, it was all just more rejection and feelings of worthlessness. And so I ran and ran, and tried to cover up hurt feelings with the tough exterior. I had no problem solving skills when it came to relationships, only the ability to escape and so that is what I did.

Out of my grief and loneliness during the more than 20 years that I've lived alone, I've discovered passions, which have made it possible to keep me moving forward but never the self-worth to follow them through. Always, I thought that if someone just loved me, then it would be okay. But I couldn't love myself. I've let fear and insecurity beat me every time. I've perpetuated the low self-esteem issues by making bad decisions, almost on purpose and as a way to punish myself, and have watched things get worse and worse. I've ignored my problems, instead of dealing with each one when it arose, and thus have made situations impossible to repair. Too much time passed and too little said. At the time, letting go and standing back, seemed like the right thing to do. I didn't trust myself to not create more hurt and damage and so I withdrew, which caused more hurt and damage. I lacked the skills and never has there been anyone to guide me through. Even today there is no best friend that I can call, chit chat with and ask their advice. I don't even know what girl talk about men looks like. I can't even tell when a man is flirting with me. I was 43 before knowing that you are supposed to cut the cuticles out of your nails. No one told me and I didn't know to ask. Pretty sad for an otherwise intelligent person - too ignorant to ask or to go find out. Too stubborn to seek help. I didn't know what I didn't know.

In the intervening years I've had a lot of physical trauma to match the emotional crap and have continued to lose more and more. I seek to resurface, to rekindle my passion for life, but there are days when my soul is just too tired and I wonder why keep trying if the things that my heart desires are never going to come. I'm tired. My heart aches. I'm lonely. I let other people's opinion of me, or their withdrawal, or refusal to acknowledge me, run my days. It is easy for someone to push my buttons with their silent disapproval - even if, in reality, I know that it is their lack of approval for them. I struggle and want something better.

I want to wrap my arms around my son and his children. I want my heart to sing and I want to quit failing. I want to not care if someone doesn't like my picture or what I say. I want to be true to me and to walk with confidence. Today it is a bit hard but what I do know is that tomorrow, or soon, it won't be so bad and I will breathe and smile again.

My Photos are now For Sale

For Friends

I've downloaded several of my photos to this site and listed them for sale as greeting cards, prints and canvas, and in different sizes where applicable.

Enjoy the slideshow!

And check out my "Flickr Site":http://www.flickr.com/photos/seasideshooter/ for any other photos that you might be interested and I'll add them for sale.

"Life is daily progress and I'm making mine." DD

Sensitivity Level Skyrockets

The dog is jerking and whimpering in his sleep and I can only imagine what his dreams consist of - a life lived before he became mine a year ago.

I'm one of those people who should never get sick because when that happens my sensitivity level goes through the roof. Note to self: DO NOT KISS BOYS WITH COLDS!!! I toss and tumble in my own sleep and awaken drenched in sweat, with a headache that clutches at the back of my neck, all of which is a good sign for me to pull the covers up until it passes. But, no, I wait until the worst is gone and then head to Montana, to follow the story. And then come home to shoot people who are tasting wine, only to discover that my face is white as a sheet and I'm feeling vulnerable to loneliness. No wonder those nice people didn't mind if I took their photo, they probably thought I'd keel over dead before getting home to the computer!

It has been a while now since I've eaten and my stomach says it is hungry. But there is no milk to scramble in the eggs and I don't want to go to the store!!!! I want to stay in my PJ's and hide from the world. And so my stomach grumbles and my mind thinks way too much.

It is time to remember that I'm one of "those" people, which doesn't make me bad, but means that I dance to a different drummer. I try to dull my senses by playing mindless free games on Facebook but the brain doesn't shut up. Why would any intelligent woman believe a man who tells her that she is no good? Why would she even date such a slug? And why would she give credit to anything he says? Happy people don't demean others. People who feel good about themselves and the world, don't make up stories about others in order to save face for themselves. Healthy people admit their mistakes and move forward without taking others down. All of that is well and good unless it happens to me and then I forget the truth.

Is it normal for women to seek the approval of men in order to solidify their self-worth? Or is this just a product of growing up with a daddy who tells you that you are worthless? Approval is nice, validation of a job well-done is great and certainly motivates one to do even better, but none of that is necessary for happiness. I think people withhold compliments because they are jealous or mean. I see it as another form of abuse and control - how far will she go to seek my approval sort of thing. As they watch you dance like cranes in the middle of a farmer's field during mating season. How high can I jump, how much can I flap my wings before you will notice that I've just done an outstanding job? Some people will never acknowledge a job well done and the truth is that it says more about them then it does about you. The trick is to know for yourself, how well you've done. How did I go from writing in first person to third?

The other thing that rolls over in the ongoing drama of my mind is to wonder what it must feel like to live with knowing that you've told a lie about someone and caused real damage in their life. It must be awful, particularly when you see the person from time to time, or even daily. I am trying to drum up some empathy and understanding but the truth is that I just don't know what it feels like to ruin a person's reputation by slandering them. I've done it, but it was so long ago that I just can't remember what it was like. Maybe I thought that the means justified the end, or however that goes, which of course they don't. Today I can't imagine making up a story about someone, even if they've been doing it to me. I just can't imagine what it must feel like to purposefully set out to ruin another person with their peers - to slander them over and over again.

Here is the definition of slander: slan·der (slndr)

n.

1. Law Oral communication of false statements injurious to a person's reputation.

2. A false and malicious statement or report about someone.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

n slander [ˈslaːndə]
(the act of making) an untrue spoken, not written, statement about a person with the intention of damaging that person's reputation That story about her is nothing but a wicked slander!

It is hard to believe that I've put up with this for so long and haven't taken legal action against it. As the damage that has been done to my life becomes clearer and clearer, I consider taking care of myself in other ways. Had this behavior stopped by now, I would be moving on with my life but it continues. Sure, these aren't well people but they are causing my reputation and standing in the community a lot of harm.

One of the reasons this has come up right now, besides this woman who has apologized a gazillion times and still warns all men to stay away from me by telling them stories that aren't true, is something that happened just the other day.

I was visiting with a friend inside of a local coffee shop when someone that I hadn't seen in awhile came in. I noticed him looking my way and so smiled and waved but was greeted with this horrible look. I was confused - dumbfounded. His wife and I had been friends until this group of ladies warned her to stay away from me by telling untrue stories but it never occurred to me that her intelligent husband would believe the opposite of what he'd seen from me. I know, stupid, naive me. When it happened, this whole thing hurt beyond belief but I knew in my heart that I'd done nothing wrong and so continued on with my life in the exact way as before meeting her. There was no reason to do anything differently. Yes, it has been weird, uncomfortable, confusing and heartbreaking, but what can you do when it isn't true? I thought of this again this morning because they walked by my house earlier and she just looked so uncomfortable. I guess that we've both been uncomfortable but mine hasn't been because of a lie - just a not knowing why. And then, finally, someone told me what was said and it was so far beyond anything that I've ever done that it set me free. People are free to say whatever they want but when it hurts a reputation and standing in the community, it is slander and there are remedies for this.

I'm tired of this whole mess and want to move forward and live my life in peace. Most days it is all okay and I just hold my head up and smile. But then I get sick and the little worm starts wiggling in my brain and I need to get it out.

I just went outside and put the dog's stuffed animals and cedar bed under the gazebo where they can't get wet from the rain and he didn't even bother to get up and come to the door. Must've heard the raindrops falling!