Healing

In order to heal, a body needs to rest. The same is true for the mind. I am exhausted.

Emotionally and physically I feel better than in the past six months but the recent healing of old wounds has left me drained. No one knows when, or if, these things will ever happen and there is no way to be fully prepared. God just sorta steps in one day and says, "okay, time to play grown up and be accountable," and it is our job to be spiritually fit enough to kiss and make-up.

Anyone who has been following my previous blog for the past twelve months, knows that the personal challenges have been huge. I had a relationship fall apart and bystanders decided to make it their business. I was slandered, gossiped about, ostracized, alienated and driven insane. Some people wanted me to leave town, others probably wanted me to drink, maybe they even fantasized my killing of myself. I don't know the absolute truth of any of those things but do know that I gave away my power and nearly allowed myself to be driven away, to drink or to die. My head got to talking and wouldn't shut up. I never thought that things would get better. I couldn't understand why these things were happening and tried to hold onto the idea that there was some sort of divine plan in place and that there were lessons for me to learn. The whole thing was hell and I could not see a way out.

I didn't know anything to do, but to keep moving forward. The whole thing consumed me and it grew larger with each passing day. My reputation was ruined. People were told that I was a predator and there were stories that I was plotting to murder someone. I never knew everything that was being said because I, like everyone else, only heard it through the grapevine. What I heard had no basis in reality and so nothing computed. I do know that there are some mean and sick people in the world who need to pick apart the lives of others so that they never have to look at themselves. But I couldn't see the truth in that statement while in the middle of it all. Every day there was one more person who was no longer speaking to me and I would chase through my brain, searching for what I'd done to them. Total sickness on my part, for me to take any of this in a personal way.

My own healing has come slowly. My head quit telling me bad stories about myself and it quit worrying about what those others thought about me. I learned about who I am and why certain things came into my life. I learned to be honest with myself. That last part was huge because no matter how I'd try before, there was some sort of blockage in my brain and it wouldn't allow me the truth. I wanted the truth but could not get there. I rode the roller coaster for month, up, down and twisted around. I thought that if those people would behave better, I would get better.

Those people did not start behaving better until I retrieved my power, put my head up for real and began smiling once more. I was powerless over their actions and they are powerless over my new found strength, confidence and love for myself. No one but myself can take that goodness from me.

And then, out of the blue, one of the women made amends to me. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "You have been harmed." Not that I didn't know this but it was the perfect thing for her to say. Her own shame and quilt has put her into a spiral of hell and now she can't see the way out. And so I offered her my experience, strength and hope of sticking around and walking through. I described how relieved people are to see me with my head up and to no longer be sparring with some of the people. Her and her family, me and my family and the community can now heal and move forward.

The power and the grace of God is alive and well in my life and, as usual, his plan was perfectly executed.