Wild Days

The first time that my phone rang this morning, it was 5:50. The racket from my non-conventional telephone tone tore me from my dreams and put me in a place that is unfamiliar to my quiet days. Usually, the only real racket that fills my space is that which is created in my mind.

By the time that I knew that the noise was my phone, which was in the other room, and that it was not yet 6 a.m., it had stopped. Another several minutes passed before I rose to check on the caller's ID, for fear there could be a family emergency. A familiar Seattle number that called me last summer when a female voice wept about how sorry she was, how it was all pride and ego and then said, "I like it when you are dominant over me..." The yuck of that call stays with me, even though I've moved on spiritually and emotionally. I knew who the caller was then and I know who it was today.

Sixty-one minutes later the same number appears on the face of my iPhone. I answer. A familiar voice is doing a low volume, somewhat garbled, bad imitation of a Chinese woman. I've heard this before, when we were face to face. I repeat, "hello." The voice gets a little louder and a little faster. There is giggling. Finally, I repeat the same question that I asked last summer and do so in about the same tone of voice, only louder, "Who is this?" Cackling, more, hung up.

It would be great to write that this had no effect on me and that it was not difficult to push myself out of the door and to where I was going in the first place. My gut told me what I'd find there and it was correct. I'm not going to give this my entire day. I know what to do.

I told my closest friend and she was right when saying that this thing needs to be put away. I try my best but some of the players keep playing. I'm living my life, doing well, happy and smiling. None of that means that everything went away, but that I've done the work to get past it and continue do so on the days when the pain is bad. I'm not consistent. I get feeling great and forget about what got me there. I am human.

For whatever reason that I get under people's skin, they need to get over it and start looking at their own actions. Just as I need to look at my own, no matter what anyone is saying or doing. No matter what! When I don't stay on my own side of the street, my mind starts tearing others apart and I'm not living life to the fullest.

It does not matter that I was harmed by gossip and slander, only that I move on with my life and do what is required of me. It is my job to find happiness regardless of what anyone else does. And, I don't have to use the actions of a few as an excuse to spread my discontent upon the rest. The calls may have disturbed me but I'm happy and smiling and so, everything is okay.