An Old Soul

I'm coming to terms with the reality of my lack of popularity. All of my life I'd yearned to be one of those people that everyone likes and have agonized over the delusion that somehow it was possible to tweak my personality to make it so, rather than to accept it as my path in life.

Lately, while keeping a positive, upbeat attitude, I've watched the way people react to me and have noticed that one day they love me and the next they can't stand me. In my heart I will know that there was nothing that I did to the individual but would still spend too much time letting the whys eat me up. There isn't a lot of middle ground when it comes to me and others - either love or hate with very little room for accepting me as a human being who is truly doing the best that they can. During the midst of my observation, the truth suddenly fell upon me like a warm blanket - I am one of those people that rub others the wrong way and it has nothing to do with anything that I've done to them. The second truth was that there wasn't anything I can do about the way that others react to me.

And so I've begun the journey of accepting and embracing myself for who I am, rather than to fight it. Unpopularity is a hard pill to swallow and even harder to welcome but it is more difficult to constantly be on guard and trying to change my essence. My new mantra is "I yam what I yam so get over it." Instinct tells me that if I learn to be comfortable with myself, then people will not get as much charge out of tearing me apart. They might still hate me but it won't be as much fun to gossip about if I don't care what they think. Of course, part of me will always have hurt feelings but the truth is that I care more about my integrity then my popularity and that would encompass being true to me, what I believe and how I treat the rest of the world. I'll never do any of it perfectly but have always been traveling along this road.

Any who, in the midst of trying to come to terms with reality, I remembered that many people have called me an old soul. Every time someone would say this, and it has been going on for years, I would know that they were telling the truth and take it as a compliment. I mean, really, doesn't it sound romantic to be an old soul? The point is that I never looked up the term, but then maybe Google wasn't so handy. So I googled and found myself.

After reading many sites that describe the characteristics of an old soul, something similar to this list comes up time and again:

"The key signs of an old soul

· Giving and caring often putting others first

· Had a difficult romantic life often with much pain and disappointment

· More than likely had a soulmate relationship

· Things just seem to happen to you and around you, often becoming very dramatic through the seemingly extreme reactions of others

· Events repeat themselves

· Have trouble connecting with your family

· Somehow know you're different

· Have some psychic intuition and 'just knowing' things

· Find that you have deeper emotions and passions than most people

· People have extreme reactions to you - some just adore you and some seem to really dislike you yet you behave the same to everyone

· Have an inner creative passion

· Suffer lots of jealousy

· Often perceived wrongly

· Feel you don't have much free will, like your life is being controlled by some outside force

· Often feel 'stuck' like events just keep on happening to you time after time

All of us can relate to some of these characteristics and events at some time in our lives however the 'old souls' amongst us will shout "Yes that's me !"
and immediately understand and relate.

In contrast, we have all met the 'young souls' the ones who profess to be giving and caring and often seem to seek us out, but who never really give, just take, and who then commit the most insensitive and often cruel acts but seem to have no understanding of what they've done or any sign of remorse whatsoever. In fact they can often go to such extremes to get very aggressive when we point out their actions and the effect that they've had on us.."

Old Souls tend to have their own, undefinable spiritual path that others don't get. One article mentioned that an Old Soul might find their spirituality in a grove of trees - whoa! That is exactly where I went, to a large strand of aspen trees, in my big moment of need. Freaky! I have strong feelings about fairness to everyone and about honesty in dealing with others. Yet, I've had a difficult time with telling myself the truth about my feelings, getting too caught up in shoulds and shouldn'ts instead of what is. Embracing these things about myself is being honest with me. People have told me that it seems like I can see right through their exterior and into their souls and that it is unnerving. What they don't stick around to see is my lack of judgement for their experiences. Yet I judge dishonesty (facts dishonesty) harshly.

Oh, what am I saying anyway?! Just after I began this new journey, a good friend asked about why some people love me while others despise me. Ironic how we were both trying to understand and come to terms with the same thing. Most people would not be able to give an honest answer for why they hate me, or honestly tell that I've actually done something harmful to them. They might make up stories about why they hate me but that is all that they are, tales to justify something they probably don't understand.

So, today my journey is about moving forward and being comfortable with myself. I'm not sure where I'm going but will just put one foot in front of the other and continue walking. Apparently my inner success has nothing to do with what others think of me but what I think of myself. And I know for a fact that I don't get up in the morning and decide to hurt someone, make them not like me or to do anything wrong. I am simply struggling to become the best person that it is possible for me to be. I'm just human...