"where there is hatred, let me show love"

I don't understand hatred and evil very much. As a friend pointed out, it is almost as if I possess a child-like naiveté that believes in goodness and fairness, despite my experiences. I see good and hope and when the opposite happens, I am slow to catch up with the reality.

Perhaps I will get wiser and more cynical as time goes on and I gain more self-confidence - grow up - and maybe it will never happen. I want to take better care of myself and to quit getting into situations that nearly get me killed, but don't want to be cynical. My hard, bitter edge was about not trusting myself and if I didn't let you in, then no hurt could come about. But the edge is softening and I now know, without a doubt, that my heart can love.

I have no problem with feeling love for friends, or for acquaintances as I watch their struggles and their growth, and really enjoy the feeling of looking at someone with that kind of affection. I love the feeling of loving my son without condition, whether he knows how to accept it or not. And, I've felt that heart love but know that it isn't for me. Not that I don't want it or can't have it but because I want something else much more and the two don't mix. A sadness but an awareness and admission of who I truly am. There will probably be more about this later but this writing is about loving despite...

My main difficulties still center around what other people think about me. It is easy to be logical about this problem and know that what they think about me is what they think about themselves - that it is their problem and not mine - that it is none of my business what they think - and all of those things that I know to be true. But it is quite a different thing, and a real journey, to get to a point where they help my healing and moving on process. My son can snap at me and it turns my day upside down, someone can walk out on me and slam the door, or shut it hard, and my head tries to go to the place where I'm a piece of shit. These things bother me and it isn't about me, it is about them.

And so I search myself to discover why these reactions occur and eventually realize that I'm putting my self-worth into the hands of people who really aren't all that nice (my son excluded). I want them to love me when they don't love themselves. My immediate reaction is to shut down to them, turn cold and distant and to judge them for being judgmental assholes. But what I keep coming to during these soul searching times, is that nothing matters except how I treat them.

For me, walking a spiritual path is about giving love, even when it doesn't seem warranted. Love is about accepting people for who they are and about cheering them on from the sidelines as they go through their struggle to overcome their demons. I don't have to be in the middle of their life to love them, I just need to accept them how they are. I need to have my eyes open wide enough to see when they come to the other side of a hard time and their life changes, instead of keeping their old selves alive in my mind and holding things against them. There are some that I have disliked intensely, and with good reason, but have watched them change and grow and I've been able to forgive them. This doesn't mean giving my heart over to them but it is more about being willing to continue watching their path and, perhaps, slowly being a part of their life.

And, everyone makes mistakes - there are no perfect people. To not forgive mistakes is to not allow people to be human.

So, for me, it all comes down to love, even when there is hatred. And there are a few that I don't care for and maybe never will again. That depends on them. My heart is open to the possibilities of others, like myself, who have come to a point of knowing the harm that they've caused and made a decision to be responsible and apologetic, and to begin walking a new path of kindness and love. The thing for me is to accept them for who they are because I can't change them. I am writing about people who have caused harm, not people who just rub me the wrong way but have never harmed me. People don't harm me by having a strange personality or by believing in different things than I do - they are entitled to be who they are.

I am doing my best to remove myself from the lives of judgmental people. I can't have that type of energy close to me. If someone thinks that they could've done my life better and that they wouldn't have reacted to my experiences in the same way, good for them. I have seen a lot more of real life than many have and much of it hasn't been pretty. My start in the world was not good, from day one. If anyone thinks that it is okay to judge me and to share their assessment with others, tainting their opinion before they even know me, then I don't need them in my life. I don't need people around me who sit around and gossip and judge. I can accept that that is who they are, and still treat them in a kind manner, without condoning and being apart of behavior that devalues others.

That is where I am - doing my best to not gossip. I don't talk about the people who are judging me, except to one very close friend and confidant, because it is not my job to dictate how someone else views that person. It is my job to show love, kindness and tolerance. I'm not perfect, not even close, but have discovered that the better I feel about myself, the easier it is to be the person the universe meant for me to be. None of this means that I have to be a door mat and allow people to harm me, in fact, it means that it is my responsibility to stand up for myself and take whatever steps are necessary to protect myself.

And, for the heart love, I am glad to know that it can find its way into my heart and am equally as relieved to know that, because of the passions that burn inside, it isn't for me. There is sadness but the relief is that now my focus can be where it needs to be.