Ten Years Down the Road

Ten years ago tonight I took my last drink of alcohol. I had no idea of what was to follow but know that, at that time, I did not want to live.

My life was broken and filled with shame and the best solution that I could come up with was to kill myself but was too chicken to do so. And so I had to find a way to live. Lonely, defiant, defensive, full of fear and broken dreams, was my existence. Married and divorced three times, abandoned children, lost opportunities, retired on disability due to an injury and everything I tried failed.

Every time I thought about my children, I tried to drink away the pain. I couldn't look the world in the eye and so tried to hate it. I tried to pretend that I didn't need anyone, not knowing all of the lies that I told myself. In my 40's I was still reacting like an abused child - my father was in every set of eyes that looked upon me.

But then the day came when the hatred for myself was all that existed and somehow I got the idea to try sobriety. Divine intervention definitely but I didn't know that then. Silently I begged people for help but in my eyes was hatred and distrust. I couldn't ask for the help but hoped that they would come anyway. On the kitchen floor, clutching the counter's edge, sobbing and screaming, "HELP," I made it through one day without a drink. The beer called out to me from behind the refrigerator door and I begged for more help. Rockets going off inside of my brain, sort of like a missile blasting through a crooked path and barely missing its target. I didn't know if the next blast would be my last. The couch and darkness my best friend. Unable to eat, sleep, talk, bathe, I kept screaming for help. Slowly the rockets eased up and the pain lessened and my cries grew to hours apart. When I'd gone 30 days without a drink, I was filled with amazement. No one that watched me thought that I'd make it.

My life felt broken on the day that I quit drinking but without my crutches to numb my brain, everything fell apart. I couldn't work, pay my bills, carry on a conversation or tell you how I felt. All of these realities fed into the shame and guilt that was already present. Feelings of worthlessness ran deep and were covered up by angry fear. Somehow, I put one foot in front of the other and continued down the road. I had no other options, no place left to go and so I kept returning.

A lot of life has happened in the past ten years, injuries, surgeries, near death, homeless, carless, penniless, friendless, but none of it was worth drinking over. I trudged along. Because I put too much emphasis on what others think of me, I hit another bottom this year when a group of people spread rumors about me. Through the absolute pain and devastation, I found some new strength but it took a lot of work to get there. In one year I've probably grown up more than all the previous ones of my entire life.

Tomorrow many friends are coming together to help me celebrate this ten year milestone. That is a true miracle. From there to here, every step of the journey has been worth it. I am grateful for the life I have today.